Ill also disagree that invitations arent a reflection of friendship. Be blunt. This "friend" is no longer invited to my home. Its a lot about how much lead time I need to prepare the proper conditions for the activity. It was really bad in the dorms in college, but w/ the phone/texts, some of my people still get a little shirty about it when I just turn my phone off so I can have some peace and quiet and eliminate temptation to putz around on apps for no reason. Im glad Im not the only person who finds this difficult. I am having a problem with it at the moment though. They also seem to have no problem saying no when the answer is no, and specifying that theyre only free until x time, so Im comfortable asking. I also think that Ask vs. Obviously a glass of water isnt an imposition, especially if youve been riding a bike around, but it feeds into number 1. I would take a step back with this friend, try not making plans with her or stopping by her office for a while and see what happens. Want to come? LW, it seems possible that your workmate also regards home visits as a level of intimacy that is too much for a co-worker. My interpretation isnt that the world has changed to respect peoples boundaries, its that the world (as I experience it) has changed in response to technology and moving to a big city from a small town and that my anxieties havent grown less because boundaries are different, they have just shifted their arena. #711: Is it rude or wrong to invite myself to someones house? YES SAME. The hugest part of it is that I cannot bear to have people see inside my house unless it is perfectly tidy and the floors vacuumed/washed, and every surface freshly wiped down, and no dirty dishes, and with refreshments ready etc (thank you, my mother, for your hostess-shame legacy) and as mentioned I have children. Ive had friends that I can show up at their place any time. Ragey is about right! Small apartment. I am depressed. (Polite noises can be Anyway, it was good to see you; I guess I should head out and let you get back to stuff?), I get where youre coming from, and there are some benefits to brutal honesty, but not everyone is comfortable with being brutal to friends.. But theres a lot wrong with painting peoples legitimate reasons for disliking unexpected people dropping by as some sort of irrational priggishness, and the cleaning remark is just gratuitously nasty. Hi! Its often said that a way to a guys heart is through his stomach. im just saying that i didnt invite you is not a reason, but i would rather go with my bestie is. Everyone, look at these. Its the soft no issue. The exception would be for a traditional date. If someone hosts a party, Im tired, is a pretty universal sign to wrap things up. Also my floordrobe? I did nonetheless feel foolish I hadnt thought to use it! Im not saying this is rational, but tell that to teenage me, who was so quiet that people did actually forget about her! This might just be me though, I come from a conservative latinx household, so even the thought of constantly being over at someone's house is a bit uncomfortable to me. INDEED. I am a very cuddly person; if we are on hugging terms, 99% of the time I want a hug. As cute as it might seem that he's thinking about you at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night after he's left the bar with his buddies and wants to see you last minute, it's not cute at all. If he is into you he will definitely show up as he will want to protect you. Ugh, I think I would be utterly gobsmacked if I mentioned a holiday plan and someone just assumed they could come with. Oh, lovely. You may be as creative as you want, and if you are competent at cooking, they will be impressed if they say yes to your invitation. I have a very polite no soliciting sign on the gate. Oh I agree that asking directly may not yield usable information. Come up with a reason why you want to come over. And if that doesn't work, then simply tell him the truth. said person has said, hey why dont you stick around for a while, in pretty much those exact words). I am finally on track to maybe getting hired on full-time at a law firm at a low (but better than nothing) salary. Anything less clear than that (ME: What are you doing after kickball? / THEM: Were going to the Pun-Off!), and I assume that I am not invited. Sorry you had to deal with all that. Home Security / By loviehomes. LW: I feel as though I initiate contact with you most of the time, and as if you dont have as much fun with me as you used to. He will get the point. No one needs to know how I live.). I get where youre coming from, and there are some benefits to brutal honesty, but not everyone is comfortable with being brutal to friends. And its a multiple-day drive to get to Vacation Placewe dont even have room for another kid in our car! And my husband, who works from home and had not planned to eat lunch with us because he is working, has to let you in and entertain you. Hi, sorry our dog is all excited you are here You made a small mistake, and shes blowing it all out of proportion. Its like the whole late/early thing. I DO think its possible that being someones designated hug-person could get a bit claustrophobic, especially if you are not on for touch stuff all the time. It is like the puzzle Geordi wasnt allowed to send the Borg ship. Imagine you are friendly but not close friends with all of these people, and lets look at whats good inviting yourself and bad inviting yourself behavior. Id advise you to take dropping by her house uninvited completely off the table. At least my friends ask, but we make plans to meet at a specific time, me and a few friends, and invariably one of them will text the host and say hey, Im ready, can I come over now? and its, like, 3 hours early. What about a SO situation? So, my mother has started beseechingly claiming that she doesnt care about mess in my apartment. People would say to me things like, Oh, we should get together soon! and Id say, Yeah, lets do that! Then Id wait for them to call me, because in the culture I grew up in, a person wouldnt extend themselves to say we should get together unless they really wanted to do that, and maybe they just had to go home first and check their calendar and the person who was on the receiving end of the invitation shouldnt call the other person, because it would be rude and demanding to not take them at their word. I just recently reconnected with a friends who I lost touch with because of our different expectations. Uurghhrggghh you bet that any child of mine will be raised with a HUGE feelings-related vocabulary (I pretty much only knew happy, angry, sad until my teens?) They can't exactly forbid you from going. I have no idea what he said, because all I could do was sit there and think about how he was within a 5 feet direct viewing radius of our entire collection of underwear. The issue of social anxiety has been brought up already, but maybe they have, say, a job that saps all their social energy and they want to spend their day off resting and browsing tumblr? It is not impolite to invite yourself to someone's home, depending on who you are inviting and why you are doing so. Recently Ive taken to IMing my friends if Im in their area and have a little time. Here is how I think of this in my brain, if I am making plans I am always attempting to make plans to 1. It could be fifteen minutes, or it could be for the rest of the day. Remember to be yourself and be cool and casual during the conversation. I love hiking." Ooh I hadnt made that connection between eating and cleaning. They dont see the big picture, as the big picture conflicts with their fantasy. The organizer may also be inconvenienced by someone who invites themselves. Maybe her social expectations are different to mine or what I grew up with. Totally individual. Just follow these tips Alan Garner lays out in Conversationally Speaking: Keep a dual perspective. I once invited a friend and her boyfriend to Thanksgiving at my parents house and the boyfriend, who I had met ONE TIME, invited EVERYONE HE KNEW. Or a girl invites you over to her house straight from a dating app? Guys are simple creatures, but it can still be frustrating trying to get them to do what you want. Sometimes when my bathrooms have gotten out of control I purposely invite someone over on the weekend to induce a shame-cleaning because I will live with a much grosser toilet situation than I would ever allow a guest to see. So a man who came by during those hours would be required to stand on the porch or at most in the foyer and state his business. Or by initiating contact in some other way? Then suddenly it became not okay for ME to do that. I had a friend who used to drop by or be in the neighborhood pretty frequently, and the process of setting boundaries after the pattern developed nearly destroyed the relationship. Its why some older houses on real estate listings have reception room in addition to lounge. I would have said this was a healthy supportive relationship. Yeah, there are lots of reasons somebody might feel like they need to clean for hours to have people over. It was normal to just knock on their door on our way back from class to see if they were home/wanted to hang out. I read around before writing this article, to see what other people had to say on the subject. Actually, I think you really nailed it with !Plus it can feel for me like, whoa, are you going to do this a lot? These two used to be good friends who were easy with each other. You can also drop a simple text letting him know you are looking forward to seeing him, to casually confirm the date ahead of time to ensure the plans are still on. Even if Britney WAS DD as well, that wouldnt be the issue, and bringing in suggestions that shes just like a three-year-old are weird and ableist. Some people are touchy with their friends and some people are not. With only girls? Im getting married in a little over 4 weeks (OMG OMG 4 WEEKS PANIC!!!) Casually confirm the date ahead of time to make sure the plans are still on. Its also one of the many reasons she doesnt spend much time around her grandparents. Or Im burnt out and demand me time just because. thats okay. Someone surprises me at work: delightful surprise that breaks up the tedium of the day. She still isnt invited and she still isnt coming in. I have ADHD and this is a thing I feel a lot. I dont think you did it deliberately or out of meanness, but it can feel that way when youre trying to African Violet someone without telling them thats what youre doing. Do they seem loose and easygoing about these kinds of social rules, or are they more proper and formal? Im used to being the awkward girl the group puts up with due to circumstance(classes, volunteer groups, tour groups, etc), the one asked to take the photos because no one actively wants her in them. OH GOD ME TOO. Like say some friends go mountain biking every weekend. 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